A journal entry from 4/14/2021
Tapping into your intuition can be tough but the more you practice the better you’ll get.
Talking to myself. Listening to my own thoughts out loud has always helped me. Thinking in silence is hard for me, I can’t keep up with my thoughts when it’s all only in my head. Writing has helped a lot for sure. This then allows me to question those same thoughts. If I’m chatting or writing about something I’m afraid of or angry about, I ask myself why I’m scared or angry and try my hardest to figure out that answer. This takes honesty and full disclosure. It may seem simple because you’re talking to no one but yourself but this practice taught me that it’s really easy to lie to yourself and to convince yourself that what you’re experiencing isn’t all you’re making of it. Nevertheless, I question what happened, why did those things make me feel this way? I backtrack and reverse engineer my feelings? Then, if I need extra help and guidance (which often times I do) I’ll ask my tarot cards. I also have a great oracle deck that I use.
Consulting with oracle and tarot has helped me to get my brain thinking. It offers a perspective that provides me with the language I needed to figure out the root of my thoughts and feelings. A card will pop out and it perfectly describes exactly where I’m at and I literally sit there like what the heck how in the world did these pieces of cardstock know so much about my current reality lmfao. It’s kinda jarring at first because the descriptions and explanations will call things out that you didn’t want to admit to yourself! I love that about tarot, it’s like yea you messed up, deal with it. Or, yea that really sucked, stop being afraid to ask for help. It’s kinda ruthless lowkey, but I need that sometimes.
I’ve realized that often times I disregard my initial feelings towards things in order to 'logicalize' it, to first find the facts of the situation and to follow up with my intuition later but… that’s counterproductive. First, I had to learn to just to feel the feeling, not run away from it and then allow spirit to guide me towards understanding the meaning of my feelings. Allow it to flow through my body instead of trying to push it out. I’ve been learning to lean into the discomfort in order to understand it.
I really learned to trust intuition once I looked back at the summer of 2020. I would pull cards for myself just about every day. I was super new to tarot; I’ve received readings in the past but I finally decided to buy a deck and to learn it for myself. I kept a journal where I would write down the cards I pulled. I repeatedly got 5 of wands and 3 of swords. Like almost every day. I didn’t understand what they meant relative to my life but I look back and I realize that was Spirit attempting to call my attention to certain things at that point in my life. Things were chaotic and I wasn’t vocalizing my true dissatisfaction within my personal relationships at the time. But in a weird way… I knew that! I knew deep down what 5 of wands and 3 of wands meant for me, I was living it. I didn’t realize at till after it was over though. I knew things were chaotic, I knew I kept my true feelings stuffed down, unsure of what to do with them. But, this experience taught me a couple of things, it taught me to honor my feelings. Even if in the moment I don’t have the words for them. When those messages come through our senses, when we feel that weirdness in our bodies, stop yourself, quiet down, find a moment of silence and solitude and dive into the depths of those feelings. When things feel off and incongruent with what brings you a sense of satisfaction and fulfillment, call it into question.
I realized I had done myself a disservice by putting my desire for partnership and friendship over my needs and boundaries. I blamed myself for this, for not vocalizing what was going on within me but at the same time, I believe that discomfort was enough in and of itself. That discomfort was pointing to the fact that I did not have the resources, support, or love that I needed to feel safe enough to share my true feelings. That! Is the root of it all. That! Is why I continued to devalue my perspective and to ignore what my intuition was telling me. That was it. And weirdly enough, I kinda knew this too but I was truly convinced I was making things up.
The answers we’re looking for tend to already exist within us. the exist within the experiences we have and the way those experiences made us feel internally. Sometimes, all we need is a little guidance on how to honor them.